To Be STRONG

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim....

My very own definition of a strong person is "never complain and be patient, always grateful, trust only Allah, cry only to Him and seek help from Him and ONLY Him.."

It has always been my dream to be this kind of person...

However, I notice my greatest weakness which is not that bad actually...instead, it's just contradictory with me desiring to be strong...I realize I get myself attach far too easily towards human-being <huiyoo..I talk as if I'm not human...=_='> this also means that I'll eventually become dependent upon them without me realizing it myself...fuhhh...<sweating...0_0'> Soooo irony....LOL!

Penat dh merepek bhse omputih nih..nk ckap melayu sudehhh..hehe..cm skrg nih, this post was drafted mase aku kt bhgian kecemasan, waiting utk pi jmp doktor...smpat plak mem'blog' merapik..to be honest, I need to  talk to someone now..jadi, saye memilih utk berckap ngn hp smbil tggu turn..T_T sedey + lonely...pathetic giler! 

Actually, aku sgt2 memerlukan my 2 dearest angels...

[dan2 happy terigt depa...]

Sgt2 miserable + fragile + sedeyh + lembik dan sume2 yg negatif la skrg nih....sgt2 nak tepon diorg dan nges2 cm aku buat time kesah fail aritu...hehehehe...kcik je tulis f*** word tu..segan..LOL!

Tapi, aku tersgtlah segan nak wat cmtu....diorg cbok sbgai med students...mane ade mase nk dgr ralat aku...jujur ckap, aku rase sgt2 insignificant dan inferior utk call diorg...even utk pk I'm still part of their lives...that's how badly injured my self-esteem and all...and this is the first reason why I won't do that..

Kesannye, hanya Allah yang tahu cmne broken + wreckednye hati aku nih sbb I have to refrain myself from calling these people...indeed, I have Allah to talk with, to cry with, but human nature...sometimes, I still need human to share my sorrow and pains...cause for now, I've been enduring it alone for quite some time, so it's kind of suffocating already...

Jadi, in other word, I've reached my limit...

Tetapi, I still managed to not to call them until now...why? Because there's one more reason yg menjadi cm string yg sgt halus dan kuat yg menahan hati aku daripada menanges2 dan call depa2 nih cm aku slalu buat dgn x malunye...

Allah sends me all these hardships as well as the pains alongside with them so that aku jd kuat..makin kuat....invincible towards kesedihan duniawi...memetik kata2 Saladin, 

"Kupinta dari Allah kekuatan, Allah kirimkan kesulitan..." 

[lebih kurg cmnila kata2 Saladin tu...]

Jadi, kalu aku akhirnya call diorg dan menangis2 sume, aku cm defeat the purpose of Allah sends me all these trials...besides, sia2 gak usaha aku endure bnd2 nih all this while..

Nnt, smpai akhirnya...aku akan tetap lembik physically dan mentally...jadi, aku akn ttp bertahan...saket cmne pown, I'll be patient...aku akn cube bersabar dan hanya mengadu nges2 kt Allah...I promise myself to try this...aku tau, I can never be perfectly strong...I will reach my limit again...mgkin, after this post aku x tahan dh....aku x tau...tapi...for now, I will hold on...

Lagipown, skrg ni aku ade buku nih...lupe nk letak tadi...siyesly, aku rase nk promote kt sume org sbb msti r sume org akan melalui saat2 duka kan??? Buku ni sgtlah bagus utk refill imaan yg tercabar saat2 duka dan sengsara..this is actually a present from a dear friend...thank you soo much..Allah je bley balas...=) x de r korg tros okay pas bace, but it really helps...a lot...dgn izin Allah,biiznillah...

O'Allah, gives me strength to hold on....inshaAllah...Aminnn

His Favorite Word

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

I'm not yet a mother, but when I'm writing this post...I feel like one...ngeeee~~~

Gambar2 kt atas nih gmbr cousin aku...name die Muhammad Shafwan Zikri..comeyl x?..hehe..aku yg ltak name tuh...sdap tak? Umur die baru 10 bulan 3 minggu..sbb tu aku rase cm mak sbb I'm 21 nk msuk 22..our age gap dh bley buat anak tau..and the fact yg aku juga salah seorg yg mendidik die, make me feel more like a mother...=_='

Aku pown x igt at this age, sptutnye budak cm die ni dh bley ckap ke blum...tp die ni, die dh bley ckap cket2...well, not exactly speak..more like, imitating...die ade habit to imitate whatever words yg kuar dari mulut ktorg..ktorg refer to aku, nenek aku, mak cik2 aku dan the other cousins...

It's really nothing special...seriously...die same je cm baby2 laen yg aku babysit...well, aku mmg our family babysitter so ramai gler cousins yg mude2 dari aku, aku tolg jage mase diorg kecik2...but what's so special about him smpi aku rase nk blog pasal die ni is his favorite word..

Nak tau tak ape favorite word si shafwan nih???

His favorite word is.....

ALLAH...<3<3<3

Contoh2 time die akan sbut Allah :-

1) Bile aku usik die, amek bantal busuk die, kalu die x ley nk amek...die akan sbut Allah kuat2...

2) Ataupown bile aku geram, aku pluk die kuat2...since die rimas, die akan berusaha nk kuar from the hug smbil sbut2 Allah...hehe..

3) When he want to reach something, but x smpai...

And many other situations when he'll say Allah....die sbut Allah tu mcm kter sbut Allah bile kter cm lenguh2 dan straighten our back..smbil straighten kter punye blakang tu kan kter akan sbut Allah in a special way?Cmtu r die sbut Allah...exactly the same...He's so brilliant..

Dari mane die dgr this word, Alhamdulillah from nenek aku...from aku jgak..dan other family members...tapi selalunye dari nenek aku...nenek aku dh umo 72 nk masuk 73...so, bile die nk bgun dari duduk tu, msti die akan says Allah~~~ sbb sush die nk bgun...Everytime shafwan dgar ni, msti pastu die sbut gak...ngeeee~~~

He also imitates other words from ktorg2..Alhamdulillah, so far x penah dgar lagi die imitate imappropriate words sbb die x penah dgar bnd tu kuar from mulut kami...Thank you sgt2 kt Allah...Rase bersyukur giler sbb our family never said bnd bukan2 dpan shafwan ni...Alhamdulillah jgak habit ktorg ni even time melatah, we'll say Allah...just imagine kalu melatah sbut b**i (lembu pendek)...Naudzubillah...

Ape bnd penting aku nk ckap kt cni adalah nmpak x to all adults out there...especially parents..children see what WE see, hear what WE hear, say what we SAY and do what WE do..that's why, always think wisely before you act in front of them...just imagine, hari2 kter maki2 b***h, b**i dan sebagainya...then, bile anak besar, diorg sbut the same things kter marah2, kter kate x elok..nmpak sgtlah tndakan tdak bijak di situ..obviously they won't listen sbb kter pown buat..

WE HAVE TO TEACH WITH EXAMPLE

Show them good examples, they will be good..bukannye berleter 24/7 soh anak jd elok when kter sndri pown x elok mane..Btol tak? Even kter pown x kan dgr ckap bos yg perangai huduh..same goes to children..they won't do things their parents don't do...so, everyone...ibu2, bapa2, kakak2 atau abang2 especially yg ade baby2 ni...behave appropriately...

For example, nk ajar anak sembhyang...you smbhyanglah jgak...smbhyang skali...they will follow...start from when they're babies..some people say, wtpe...baby lagi...bukan faham pown...tp, you don't know...the memories from zaman baby2 ni, sgt memberi kesan in the development of the babies in the future...bak kate pepatah, "melentur buluh, biarlah dari rebungnya...=)"

Skrg ni, tiap kali aku smbhyang, I even bring him pray with me...x smbhyang skali pown, aku ltak die dlm bilik smbhyg skali ngn aku...now, he can already say Allahuakbar...so cute...=) Nmpak tak? That's one example...

X de r aku nk ckap aku kakak yg baek ke pe, but it's something I'm trying to do...and it's a good thing...sbb mak aku succeed didik aku jd cm die cause she did this...so, this method is working, right? I'm trying to raise him as a REAL muslim...itulah yg aku try buat kt cousins yg laen jgak...sgt susah...baru aku faham susahnye mak abah aku didik aku kcik2 dlu....=_=' Kdg2, cm nk give up...

But Allah keeps me STRONG...cause I know, nilah antara bnd2 yg aku bley sumbg utk islam...nk pi perang, mane mampu...harap2 sgt this small effort dpt tmbah amanah saham akhirat aku...dan sgt2 harap ibadah2 ni btol2 suci dari riya', tkbur dan ape saje yg bley rosakkn amal aku nih...Hope it's counted...inshaAllah...May Allah bless...everyone, pray for me...

I'm just a COWARD

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Cam aku citer kt post nih, dalam proses membaik-pulih imaan dan semangat aku...aku memilih utk lari dari kenyataan..

Cam aku ckap, aku x bkak fb, x bkak twitter n sbgainya...and why is that??? 



Because I am a COWARD...


Yes...


I admit...


Aku mengaku, aku hanyalah seorg pengecut yg bile berdepan dgn unbearable reality, I'll choose to run away..


Sbb aku rase, dgn lari from this truth...it will hurt less...but the truth is, it is not...


And why I'm not afraid to run, because I trust those people whom I run away from, will be willing to accept me with open arms whenever I feel like returning...


That's how much I trust them...


Mesti lar, aku takut kalau diorg lupe kat aku...Siyes..aku TAKOWT....Tapi, utk simply call diorg/text diorg, memerlukan seluruh kekuatan dan keberanian yg ade dlm diri aku nih...kalu korg rase cm exaggerate, up to you guys...tp this is the truth about the 'me' yg pengecut nih...


Sbb aku sgt takowt di'turn down' <x reti cmne nk translate ke Malay>


I might seem strong...but I'm not...REALLY...


I'm scared being alone....I'm scared of loneliness....


Sbb tu aku x nak contact diorg2 nih...cause their lives and my life aren't the same anymore...So, during hibernation nih, aku try to recover...there are times when I feel like I'm okay now...but the truth is, I'm not entirely okay....


You want prove??? Tgok je r time aku balek from NUMed dulu...


I cried the whole journey back from JB...hehe....nseb baek drive sengsorg....kalu x, mau giler aku menahan perasaan...aku pi JB sbb aku igt aku dh okay sepenuhnya...hahaha...mane dtg confident ntah...Oh, baru aku teringat...Aku pi JB utk absorb as much strength as I can from those dear to me...sbb aku tau, the route ahead will be much tougher and sadder...


Why it's so hard for me to face this failure??? People fail and succeed..perkara biase...tapi aosal susah sgt utk aku??? Lembik giler....


Sbb, aku x penah rase aku ade kelebihan lain selain good in studying...aku ni, I'm used to listen to people saying I have ill-behavior...I'm used to people saying I'm good at nothing and that I was lucky Allah gives me a brilliant brain...how pathetic was that?


Sebnarnye, as a muslim...as a true muslim...aku x patowt ter'affected' by bnd2 negatif yg depa2 ni ckap...Allah says in the quran, from a lecture by Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan bertajuk Levels of Faith...aku x nak quote sebijik2, tapi Ustaz ckap...Allah declare manusia sbgai the BEST creation of His...jd, kalu aku dgar hanya Allah, mesti aku x kan ter'affected' by what people says to me...T_T


Tapi, aku kan manusia yg sentiasa ada salah silap....jd, inevitably aku masih ter'affected' sbb sblum ni aku hanya islam pada MyKad...jd, dulu sebelum aku kenal usrah dan islam, aku punye confident level sgtlah tiada...langsung!!!


Aku rase aku not worth-living pown...dahsyat giler kan???


Tapi....


Benarlah seperti kata2 Saidina Umar, 

“Kita ini adalah orang-orang yang paling hina lalu Allah memuliakan kita dengan Islam. Kalau 

saja kita mencari kemuliaan pada selain Islam maka Allah akan menghinakan kita lagi…”

[credit : http://azzariyat.com/2011/01/17/kita-mulia-kerana-islam/]

So, aku mula berubah, confident aku mula naik sedkit demi sdkit kerana aku bangga aku Islam...aku gembira kerana Allah kenalkan aku semula kpd Islam...


But my past is always a part of me...to really be a muslim, there are times aku berjaya, tapi ade jugak time aku gagal...seperti sifat imaan...turun dan naik...


When I failed the first time, I already feel down...but I keep believing...I keep striving...I sacrificed lots of thing....tdor, herbalife, rehat, food dan mcm2 lagi...because I know, Allah will let me pass...


Tapi, the reality is...passing the exam is not the thing I need...How do I say this? Sbnrnye, despite my hard work...aku dpat rase, passing the exam this time is not the best thing for me...aku dapat rase imaan aku terancam kalu aku pass the 2nd exam....kenape??? x perlu aku ceritakan kt cni...ckup la org2 yg dekat tahu...


Tapi, walaupown aku tau bnd ni, masih sangat2 susah utk aku face this truth...All because of my past....the fact yg aku believe I am a good-for-nothing but brain....T_T


Jadi, utk org2 dalam hdup aku especially dearest one...for now, I just need you guys to understand...wlaupown sudah berbulan2...aku masih can't get over it...my tears still falling...aku masih desperate berdoa utk okay...aku nak sgt okay...


Aku nak sgt balik JB dan be able to smile and laugh ngn korg2 tanpa menangis bile aku dok blik sengsorg...hehe...


Jadi, aku harap sgt korg sabar dan percaye kt aku...inshaAllah, aku akan okay...cumenye, fahamilah....aku masih perlukan mase sbb aku hanyalah PENGECUT....mendiamkan diri bukan bererti aku x igt korg...my prayers always there for you guys...


Kenapa aku tulis kt blog nih? Sbb ade yg terasa dgn aku...Astaghfirullah...aku mntak maaf sgt2...aku admit, cm selfish ape yg aku wat nih...aku x terfikir yg mereka2 nih igt kat aku cm aku igt kt diorg...aku igt, tiada sape yg sayang...Allahuakbar..memalukan okeyh fikir cmni...nk wat cmne...this failure blow away aku punye confident...


Hopefully, sahabat2 yg bace akan faham...aku kene luah bnd nih and this blog is the most ideal place to do so and of course, Allah...


Alhamdulillah, aku rase lega pas ckap bnd nih...though it seems unlikely, really hope org yg terasa tu akan bace....inshaAllah...

The BEST Gift 2...=)

Thanks....=)

*Myra!!!*

The BEST Gift..=)

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim..=)

Dh lame giler x meng'hupdate'<ade r kwn tu sbut cengggini> blog nih..ngeeeee~~~

Byak giler bnd nk share smpai x ter'share'...too much thoughts smpai x mampu nk put into words....instead of tulis kt blog, aku prefer to implement in my life first...dh boleh, baru aku post cni...so, all the thoughts following my muhasabah these few months, nnt aku tulis dlm post laen..

Skrg nih, aku nk cter pasal birthday aku tahun nih...gile x malu promote birthday sndri...haha...senanye nk cter sbb byak sgt tarbiyah Allah utk kali ni...


Mule2 skali, nk cter pasal hadiah Allah bg kt aku..

Keblkgan nih, aku asyik dilanda kemurungan...T_T

Terlampau byak cbran dan dugaan bg aku yg buat aku rase nk give up dlm sume bnd aku buat...<perasan je lebey, org kt palestin punye dugaan lagi dhsyat>

Jujur ckap, rase down gile...rase cm the BIGGEST LOSER...T_T bukan lose weight yer..

So, aku amek kptusan lari dri bnd tu sume..aku x on fb, twitter n blog nih sbb x nk face the truth..sbb bile bkak sume2 nih, I'll see my friends progressing with 2nd year...the fact that I failed...it will feel so real again and it hurts so much...

Tapi, after months of kemurungan, akhirnya...finally...huhu~~~

*bunga api letup2 cket*

I got a message from a very dear fren..so, aku pown cal r die..hehehe..dpat ckap ngn ex-partner gak...Alhamdulillah...ceria cket dh hdup aku pastu...this happened few days before my actual birthday...

Sepjg aku hdup, this is one of the best gift Allah bg kt aku....Allahuakbar...sbbnye, aku mmg rndu sesgt kt depa dua org nih...tp aku sedey+segan nk meng'contact' depa sbb mesti depa busy...Allah gerakkan depa2 ni ctc aku...MashaAllah....terharu sgt...T_T


The BEST part is, aku x luah pown kt Allah aku rndu depa2 nih...See???

ALLAH KNOWS BEST!!! <3<3<3

Then, beberapa hari pastu...aku dpat reconcile ngan one of my cousin yg x rapat ngan aku...dulu kcik2 mmg rapat, tdo skali sume...tp bile makin besar, makin jauh plak...so, again...Allah, forever grateful to You...T_T

And once again nk ckap, aku x penah gtau Allah aku rndu sesgt die nih...cm tau2 je...hehe...hebat tak Allah nih???? So, trust me...jgn jauh2 dari Allah...

Allah is the BEST!!!

On my birthday, Alhamdulillah....All praises be to Allah....=)

Allah woke me up with the best possible way...kucing aku dtg, nama dia 'Coriang'...kekeke...pelik giler name die...

Dok mengiau soh aku bangun...hehehe...sweet x? bg pencinta kucing, this is like heaven gile okeyh....bgun2 je aku 'high' sbb excited sgt...

*excited, excited!!!*

And lagi best...Allah kejut aku dlm pkul 4 stgah cmtu...so, aku rase cm Allah nk soh bgun dan solat and ask for anything from Him...Allahuakbar...MashaAllah....bersyukurnya aku...

Dan yg buat aku bersyukur sgt2 time tu...sudah agak lame aku x bgun solat malam...T_T

Pathetic kan? Aku rase status imaan aku sgt horrible+disaster...so, aku rase cm x layak utk dipilih oleh Allah utk bgun solat malam...

*terharu...*

Then, aku keep 'touching' sbb ayat ni yg aku jmp mase tadarus pg td...

76:29-30

"Sungguh, ayat-ayat) ini adalah peringatan, maka barang siapa menghendaki (kebaikan bagi dirinya) tentu dia mengambil jalan menuju Tuhannya. Tetapi kamu tidak mampu (menempuh jalan itu), kecuali apabila dikehendaki Allah. Sungguh, Allah Maha Mengetahui, Maha Bijaksana."

Alhamdulillah...Allah masih nak aku cari Dia...Alhamdulillah sgt2...x dpt nk explain cmne 'grateful'nye aku sbb Allah x penah tinggal aku jauh2....He will never let me go far from Him for so long..

Jujur, mesti r ade time di mana aku menjauhkan diri dari Allah...kenape ntah...bukan dapat ap pown..Though by running away from Him, I'll become more and more vulnerable...still, there are times when I still choose to run away from Him...everyone, says Naudzubillah okey...jgn ikut...*AMARAN KERAS*

Astaghfirullah...T_T

*embarrassing...indeed...*

Ape yg aku blaja, still the same...unless you let Allah go, He will NEVER let you go...

so, keep holding on...credit:Avril Lavigne

to

Next, the celebration...hehe...mule2 igt kan x de celebration...pak cik aku pown blanja aku makan pizza...die nk beli kek jgak tapi aku x de mood nk makan kek...kang mebazir je..ngeee~~

Meh nk 'show off' cket gmbonyer..

*Dgn tok limah...huhu...tutp mate r plak...=_='*

*Pak busuk n Iffat!!!*

And lastly....

Untuk sahabat2 NUMed yg rapat ngan aku, for me, you are part of my family...korg tau korg sape..=)

To be able to have sahabat2 cm korg, I can't thank Allah enough....korglah antara the BEST gift Allah bg kt aku...so, smpena ckup umo 21 tahun...aku nk gtau korg..aku SAYANG sgt kt korg..n skrg nih aku RNDUUUU giler kt korg...T_T

Sabaq, sabaq...hadhinah oiii...tahun depan pjg umoq aku jmp korg...=)

To commmorate this, aku nk share gmbar2 korg kt cni...kalu rase gmbar nih x hensem, x lawa...pe lagi, bg gmbar2 lawa kt aku ek...=)

*Aku pown x pasti awat gmbaq ni nmpak huduh sgt...=_='*

*Si kurus nih...jeles!*

*Baby WANI!!! Aunty Fyra!!!...=)*

*GEDs Zatil + GEDs Wafa...hahaha....=p*

By the way, turutan gmbar ni x indicate pape pown ek..x bererti sape paling atas, yg tu aku pling sayang....kang ade yg 'touching' plak...aku sekeh kang..haha...aku sayg korg EQUALLY...hehe..

Sahabat2 yg x de dlm ni, anda sume masih aku sayang...sayang sgt...cumenye this post specially made to express how much I miss these people sbb senanye I can meet them if I want to...but, I just don't want to meet them yet...cause it's still tough...so, aku still kene meluahkan perasaan..jd, blog ni lar last optionnye...=)

So, inilah antara BEST gifts yg Allah dah bagi kt aku...

MashaAllah...Subhanallah...Alhamdulillah...Thank you Allah for everything...

Btw, senanye aku nk post bnd nih time birthday aku...tp td dh bergayut ngn cousin kesayangan...terlajak r plak...hehe..

Semoga tarbiyah Allah utk aku kali ni can touch many other hearts to also want to get close to Him...InshaAllah...Jazakallahukhairankathiran...Till next time, inshaAllah...

This is MY route to Jannah

Bismillah...

Nk emphasize, ape aku tulis nih...tntg aku...mcm mane AKU punye route to Jannah so far..

Ramadhan kali ni, ape aku dpat from aku punye tadarus adalah, nak masuk syurga aku kene ade these 2 qualities...

1) Patient / Sabar

2) Grateful / Syukur

dan hal ini membgkitkan ketakutan yg amat sgt dlm diri aku sbb lepas incident 'FAIL', aku menjadi seorg yg ade these 2 qualities...

1) Impatient / Tak sabar

2) Ungrateful / Tak bersyukur

I have to save myself...I have to save my imaan, my aqidah...I've one idea..malu nk ckap kt cni..sesape ade idea gtau r ek...thanks...

Kesimpulannye, aku takot sbb nmpak sgt yg aku masih jaaaaaauuuuuhhhhhh dari Allah...T_T

I've tried and still trying and will never stop! inshaAllah...T_T

Bismillah...

MAN JADDA WA JADA
"We'll get what we work for"

This is Allah's promise..by believing this, by believing in Allah...I suppose, there will be no problem...no pain, no sadness, no anything...no nothing...cause I'll get what I want if I work for it...

Kisah 1 : 2008, Aku tak nak abah kawen lain

Usaha 1
-x tepon mak...sampai mak risau
Usaha 2
-x nak ckap ngn abah...demam x gtau...asingkan diri..
Usaha 3
-balek umah, warning abah.."Kalau abah kawen lagi, kakak tak nak balek umah...dok kedah ngan tok, tapi masuk duet bulan2.." 
Usaha 4
-DOA...begging Allah everyday, jgn bagi abah kawen lain...
(Usaha yg sentiasa dari zaman budak2 x penah tggal sbb takowt sgt abah kawen dua, tiga)

RESULT: Abah saye kawen lagi jugak...*gulp*

Kisah 2 : May 2012, Progress 3 NUMed

Usaha 1
-bgun AWAL, x tdo pas subuh..study pas ma'thurat...
Usaha 2
-buat nota, jmp lecturer bile x faham...*ofkos,time rajin je*
Usaha 3
-x balek umah time cuti...study..
Usaha 4
-kurgkan sembang...*ofkos, kurg berjaya*
Usaha 5
-kurgkan bnd2 x berfaedah...cut off tros korea wutsoeva...
Usaha 6
-bwak buku berat2 balek umah...utk study..
Usaha 7
-qiam..tiap kali bgun..then, tros smbung study bila mampu...

RESULT: FAIL...*hah!!!* 

Maka, mengalirlah air mata seliter approx. 
Tapi, bley RESIT! jgn risau...try lagi...sedey okey, jgn lelame...NEVER GIVE UP!

Kisah 3 : August 2012, RESIT Progress 3 NUMed

Usaha2 aku..basically lebeyh kurg cm kisah 2..cumenye mase blaja double sbab x de kelas, x de ape...tmbah terawih...but, work harder than previous one sbb tak nak fail sgt2...TAK NAK LANGSUNG!!! 

Sbab, jujur..after fail mase May, kepercayaan kpd Allah goyah banyak..tapi, memandangkan RAMADHAN, saye percaya, pasti makbul sbb Allah knows how much I NEED this...bukan WANT, but NEED...so, keep praying...keep working...

Kenapa takowt sgt fail??? Sbb kene ulang setahun? Sbb nk masuk NUMed tu pown, I have to endure covering 2 months classes dlm 2 mggu+bnd baru nak blaja+TOK+EE yg tertgguh sbb saket? Sbb rase responsible towards MARA? Sbb kesian mak abah? Ye, betol..antara sbb2nye...but is that what I'm really scared of??? 

NO, NO and NO! 

Why I'm so scared to fail?
Sbb sebenar...the ONLY STRONG reason I keep fighting...Sbb kalau fail, kene pisah ngn my 2 angels yg x ley sbut name kt cni, ngn wani, zatil, wafa, fyra, anis, azza, shasha, itri dan ramai lagi...ramai sgt nk sebut...T_T x mau pisah ngn diorg...spnjg sebulan stgah revision utk resit exam, setiap hari mesti ade break utk menangis...sbb terigt diorg2 nih...Siyes, x tipu..

*x sume ade, tp ni la mereka..yg x de pown included*

I value them like my family..cm anak hilang mak abah, cmtu r perasaan bile byg x ley sesame ngn diorg dah...this is what I really feel..shocking, but it's real..cm harry potter aggp hogwarts home...cmtu r NUMed for me..it's my HOME...cause my real HOME, didn't feel like one anymore...tanpa aku perasan, NUMed is my HOME now...because of them...
So, the thought of not being able to join them anymore, keep breaking my heart spjg musim revision...T_T


RESULT:FAIL!!!

What I did??? I called 2 people smbil menanges tanye diorg cmne nk wat [ofkos r diorg pown x tau], diorg nih angels aku [penah cter kt cni]...sbnrnye yg sorg tu, cal b4 kuar result...tapi dh nges dh sbab tkowt...yg sorg tu, cal pas dpt result...

Pastu, basically...aku sujud syukur, pastu sujud utk doa dan aku MERAUNG smbil doa mntak Allah tolong...OMG! Siyes, tak tipu...nseb baek hujan lebat, so x de sape dgar kt umah...last meraung cmtu mase mak saket yg kronik hmpir nazak..mase tu, baru umo 10 tahun..skrg, umo dh 21 tahun...*facepalm*

Since then, I shut people out of my life...x ckap ngn sape2...even mak, abah..dan sedare-mare...x beraye dgn sesape pown...x kuar bilik pown pagi raye...means of communication, yes no qs...angguk/geleng sahaja..hmpir 2 mggu gak r mcm tu..

Sebenarnye, selain MAN JADDA WA JADA, ade juge KUNFAYAKUN...

57:22 

"Tiada suatu bencana pun yang menimpa di bumi dan (tidak pula) pada dirimu sendiri melainkan telah tertulis dalam kitab (Lauhul Mahfuzh) sebelum Kami menciptakannya. Sesungguhnya yang demikian itu adalah mudah bagi Allah"

Kenapa ape yg Allah bagi kt aku nih wat aku sedeyh sgt2.. hanya satu jawapan...


AKU MASIH MENCINTAI DUNIA more than I love Allah and Rasulullah...T_T

Cause I've worked  hard, Allah answered my prayers by giving something that's good for me, for my Deen and for my akhirat..I have no right to complain, nothing to be sad about as long as I love Allah more than anything else in which I'm not...

OVERALL RESULT: BIG PROBLEM

FEEDBACK:WORK HARDER for ALLAH and because of ALLAH, not using ALLAH as a nice excuse


p/s: Am I too proud with my sins yg aku tulis kt cni nih??? NO! By writing all these [my weakness] on this blog, I just embarrassed myself big time..but, the message there, I think I have the responsibility to tell all muslims 'bout it..in the end, RETURN to ALLAH..

p/s: Updating my blog, does it mean I'm okay now? NO! I'm still recovering...tears still falling...

*basically, cmni r aku-isolating myself*

When will I be okay??? No IDEA, but soon...InshaAllah...pray*for*me