Cam aku citer kt post nih, dalam proses membaik-pulih imaan dan semangat aku...aku memilih utk lari dari kenyataan..
Cam aku ckap, aku x bkak fb, x bkak twitter n sbgainya...and why is that???
Because I am a COWARD...
Yes...
I admit...
Aku mengaku, aku hanyalah seorg pengecut yg bile berdepan dgn unbearable reality, I'll choose to run away..
Sbb aku rase, dgn lari from this truth...it will hurt less...but the truth is, it is not...
And why I'm not afraid to run, because I trust those people whom I run away from, will be willing to accept me with open arms whenever I feel like returning...
That's how much I trust them...
Mesti lar, aku takut kalau diorg lupe kat aku...Siyes..aku TAKOWT....Tapi, utk simply call diorg/text diorg, memerlukan seluruh kekuatan dan keberanian yg ade dlm diri aku nih...kalu korg rase cm exaggerate, up to you guys...tp this is the truth about the 'me' yg pengecut nih...
Sbb aku sgt takowt di'turn down' <x reti cmne nk translate ke Malay>
I might seem strong...but I'm not...REALLY...
I'm scared being alone....I'm scared of loneliness....
Sbb tu aku x nak contact diorg2 nih...cause their lives and my life aren't the same anymore...So, during hibernation nih, aku try to recover...there are times when I feel like I'm okay now...but the truth is, I'm not entirely okay....
You want prove??? Tgok je r time aku balek from NUMed dulu...
I cried the whole journey back from JB...hehe....nseb baek drive sengsorg....kalu x, mau giler aku menahan perasaan...aku pi JB sbb aku igt aku dh okay sepenuhnya...hahaha...mane dtg confident ntah...Oh, baru aku teringat...Aku pi JB utk absorb as much strength as I can from those dear to me...sbb aku tau, the route ahead will be much tougher and sadder...
Why it's so hard for me to face this failure??? People fail and succeed..perkara biase...tapi aosal susah sgt utk aku??? Lembik giler....
Sbb, aku x penah rase aku ade kelebihan lain selain good in studying...aku ni, I'm used to listen to people saying I have ill-behavior...I'm used to people saying I'm good at nothing and that I was lucky Allah gives me a brilliant brain...how pathetic was that?
Sebnarnye, as a muslim...as a true muslim...aku x patowt ter'affected' by bnd2 negatif yg depa2 ni ckap...Allah says in the quran, from a lecture by Ustaz Nouman Ali Khan bertajuk Levels of Faith...aku x nak quote sebijik2, tapi Ustaz ckap...Allah declare manusia sbgai the BEST creation of His...jd, kalu aku dgar hanya Allah, mesti aku x kan ter'affected' by what people says to me...T_T
Tapi, aku kan manusia yg sentiasa ada salah silap....jd, inevitably aku masih ter'affected' sbb sblum ni aku hanya islam pada MyKad...jd, dulu sebelum aku kenal usrah dan islam, aku punye confident level sgtlah tiada...langsung!!!
Aku rase aku not worth-living pown...dahsyat giler kan???
Tapi....
Benarlah seperti kata2 Saidina Umar,
“Kita ini adalah orang-orang yang paling hina lalu Allah memuliakan kita dengan Islam. Kalau
saja kita mencari kemuliaan pada selain Islam maka Allah akan menghinakan kita lagi…”
[credit : http://azzariyat.com/2011/01/17/kita-mulia-kerana-islam/]
So, aku mula berubah, confident aku mula naik sedkit demi sdkit kerana aku bangga aku Islam...aku gembira kerana Allah kenalkan aku semula kpd Islam...
But my past is always a part of me...to really be a muslim, there are times aku berjaya, tapi ade jugak time aku gagal...seperti sifat imaan...turun dan naik...
When I failed the first time, I already feel down...but I keep believing...I keep striving...I sacrificed lots of thing....tdor, herbalife, rehat, food dan mcm2 lagi...because I know, Allah will let me pass...
Tapi, the reality is...passing the exam is not the thing I need...How do I say this? Sbnrnye, despite my hard work...aku dpat rase, passing the exam this time is not the best thing for me...aku dapat rase imaan aku terancam kalu aku pass the 2nd exam....kenape??? x perlu aku ceritakan kt cni...ckup la org2 yg dekat tahu...
Tapi, walaupown aku tau bnd ni, masih sangat2 susah utk aku face this truth...All because of my past....the fact yg aku believe I am a good-for-nothing but brain....T_T
Jadi, utk org2 dalam hdup aku especially dearest one...for now, I just need you guys to understand...wlaupown sudah berbulan2...aku masih can't get over it...my tears still falling...aku masih desperate berdoa utk okay...aku nak sgt okay...
Aku nak sgt balik JB dan be able to smile and laugh ngn korg2 tanpa menangis bile aku dok blik sengsorg...hehe...
Jadi, aku harap sgt korg sabar dan percaye kt aku...inshaAllah, aku akan okay...cumenye, fahamilah....aku masih perlukan mase sbb aku hanyalah PENGECUT....mendiamkan diri bukan bererti aku x igt korg...my prayers always there for you guys...
Kenapa aku tulis kt blog nih? Sbb ade yg terasa dgn aku...Astaghfirullah...aku mntak maaf sgt2...aku admit, cm selfish ape yg aku wat nih...aku x terfikir yg mereka2 nih igt kat aku cm aku igt kt diorg...aku igt, tiada sape yg sayang...Allahuakbar..memalukan okeyh fikir cmni...nk wat cmne...this failure blow away aku punye confident...
Hopefully, sahabat2 yg bace akan faham...aku kene luah bnd nih and this blog is the most ideal place to do so and of course, Allah...
Alhamdulillah, aku rase lega pas ckap bnd nih...though it seems unlikely, really hope org yg terasa tu akan bace....inshaAllah...
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