Perfection

Bismillah..

Lamenye x update blog..not that x de mase, tp too much to say that I choose not to say..kang nnt bile start ckap kang, tak berhnti plak..

I might lose myself in blogging plak..that's why choose to micro-blogging di twitter saje..

But today, been missing writing so much that I decided to blog..today of all days..it's exactly 25 days before the exam..dupdapdupdap..don't dare to comment much on this topic..nnt kene uji with my words..

Indeed, though embarassing, I must admit I do feel a decrement in my confident level, in my courage..hehe..okey, enough negativity..

Let's move on to the topic..PERFECTION

I am a perfectionist..sooo much that sometimes, it pains me..I want thing to be EXACTLY like I want  it to be..

And Alhamdulillah...

Since childhood, things often went the way I wanted it..so, my life was sooooo easy..seriously, VERY EASY..

Though my mom was so sick long time ago that my whole family and me thought she's going to die,she didn't..Alhamdulillah, my mom got well and she's healthy till now..Alhamdulillah..did it hard to bear? Yes.. But did it went the way I wanted it, for my mom to get better.. YES..

Above is the ONLY hard moment from my life before that I could remember..there are others, but this is the MOST significant..

That's why I can say my life is easy..I got everything I wanted, my family is awesome, my friends are cool and I excelled in my studies..things were easy..

But, when I got serious, I started <baru perasan keep rambling in eng..=_='> to notice, things didn't go the way I wanted it..not anymore..of course, they were still some things went well but yg x mengikut ape aku nak tu mule mengganggu fikiran dan perjlanan hdup aku..

And bnde tu jd sbb my mistakes..I made lots of mistakes to the point I hated myself..
I couldn't stand the fact that I made mistakes..
I hated myself and things just getting tougher and harder..
This actually pissed me of dan buat aku tertanye2, mengapaaaaaaa???

I hated this difficult life..so much..

Then, td study ppd..Personal and Professional Development, you can say it's a subject in medicine..

Smbil2 study, muhasabah cket..teliti my life so far sbgai salah seorg med student..I noticed something..mmgla Allah x jdkan sesuatu tu sia2...<for this post, I'm so sorry..it's 4:18am..malas nak check balek> but it was said in the Quran, surah Ali Imran..ayat,x igt..😔                           

I finally know why Allah set my life the way it is now..my journey..the fact yg hdup aku skrg ni rse susah sbb Allah wants to prepare me for a tougher life as doctor..imagine, u have to tell people u can't save their family member, u yourself kene tgok org mati dpan mate and etc..and also, for perfectionist like me, as a doctor, it is inevitable that I might make mistakes..

Nak emphasize yg hdup begini, amatlah tdak sesuai utk PERFECTIONIST cm aku ni...

Cbe byangkan, if I still the same me from before when I become a doctor...The 'me' who couldn't bear myself making mistakes, I can't imagine what kind of doctor and person I will be..and if I am still seorg hadhinah yg tak penah rse hdup susah, aku dpt byangkan yg aku keje kjap je as doktor..x pown, aku akan end up jd dr sbb nak duet byak...😱😱😱

Naudzubillah..

So, tujuan post ni sbnrnye just nk express my gratitude to Allah for the beautiful life He grants me..Allah set hdup kter ni, mmg dah cantek..mmg dah PERFECT..the ups and and downs, susah senang, itulah erti PERFECTnye hdup Allah bg ni..it really is up to us whether kter nk tgok the beauty of it atau sebaliknya..kalau kiter melihat Allah pd semua yg terjd kt kter, we will see the REAL PERFECTION..

Okeyh..tu je muhasabah selepas berPPD td..Alhamdulillah...Alhamdulillah..Alhamdulillah...I have Allah as my life planner...MashaAllah..SubahanAllah..❤❤❤

Bila kita sudah suka...

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim...

Perasaan suke2 kat org ni mmg perkare biase..budaya couple plak, erm...luar biase yg sudah menjadi perkara biase...eh#

Sebelum aku mengenal DnT, aku juge pernah BIASA dgn budaye ni..T_T

Seronok???

Ofkos!!! Byak hadiah kowt dpat...bunga, coklat, baju, gelang tangan, gelang kaki, gelang leher, eh#

The regret???

[Tros huduh muke okeyhhh..menyesal tak sudah!]

Mase mula2 tau couple tu haram, OMG!!! Terkejowt beruk uols..

Maka, bermulalah proses mujahadah membuang karat2 bf dlm hdup...susah...susah sangat...Tapi ketahuilah, Allah takkan ambil sesuatu drpd kita tanpa menggantikan dgn sesuatu yg lebih baik..He's Ar-Rahman and Ar-Rahim...REMEMBER! He'll never do something as cruel as that..

Sbgai galang-gantinya, Dia, cinta teragung telah menggantikan dgn sahabat yg sentiasa sedia menemani di kala hati merindui bf yg sah2 haram utk dirindui tu...Adatlah, putus cinta...mestilah frustrated...byak kali relapse..kjap kuat, kjap lembik...ngeeee~~~

Pastu plak, bile dh get over bf, mulalah plak rase down....

Rase down sbb ade mase lalu yg mcm tu...T_T

Rase stress sgt2...

Can't help but wondering, WHY, oh, WHY Allah allowed such shameful things to be done by me, myself???

Pastu, recently bace buku Cinta High Class by Ustazah Fatimah Syarha...lagi rase down..kerana masa lalu yg htam dan penuh noda...ceyhhhhh, ayat nk high class gittew..hehe

Kerana tak jumpa bahan bacaan yg mampu menjelaskan hikmah masa lalu itu, akhirnya mntak pndpat dari shbt2 yg juga ana anggap sbagai murabbi dan murabbiah..uisy, ana uols...

Dan, akhirnya...Alhamdulillah....seorang sahabat yang sangat ana syg kerana Allah, ukhti _ _ _ _ _ _lah [biarlah rahsia,ngeee~~~] org yg menenangkan ketika ini...ketika mujahadah pertama dahulu juga ukhti inilah yang setia di sisi...

Beliau bilang sama ana, 

"Yasmin Mogahed pernah cakap:

"a person dive deep in the darkness of the ocean, just to bring a valuable pearls"

seorang muslim, yang pernah melalui semua lumpur2 kehidupan ni, adalah seorang muslim yang sedang disiapkan Allah untuk mengeluarkan ummat dari lumpur tersebut.

subhanallah, Allah pilih kita untuk lalui semua tu sebab Allah nak bg rasa kemanisan iman tu kat kita

"dia membenci kembali kpd dosa2 seakan2 dia membenci untuk dimasukkan ke dalam neraka"

perasan tak, kita sgt manja ngn Allah..

asyik2 cerita kat Allah, takut2 dosa kita yang lepas Dia tak ampunkan,

takut semua dakwah tarbiyah kita buat tak mengesankn hati orang sebab terhijab dgn dosa kita...

subhanallah, ana lebih syg hubungan sebegitu dgn Allah. dari hubungan yang tiada rasa mengharap

"sungguh, mrk selalu bersegera dlm kebaikn dan mrk selalu berdoa kpd Kami dgn penuh harap dan cemas " 21:90"

Amek kau...copy paste tros okeyh..lpas ckap dgn beliau, Allah Azza Wajalla tlh memberikan satu ketenangan yang 'indescribable'...ngeeee~~~

Pastu, mula terfikir apekah cara terbaek utk menghalang diri dari terjatuh cinta kepada yg tak sepatutnya..mungkin lebih tepat, cara2 nak mengesan kesahihan perasaan yang kter sdang rase tu..

Biaselaaa...ter'crush' kt org tu, ter'crush' kt org ni...bnd2 mcm tu mmg slalu jadi...especially utk gegurls..yeke? Ni pendapat je dan berdasarkan kata2 sahabat aku..tak tau la btol ke tak..btw, berbalik kpd misi di atas...mcm mane nk identify??? Jadi, aku come up dgn checklist cam kt bawah ni..

 

'Infatuation' tu mungkin bley pi cari dlm kamus ape mksud die..hehe..utk simplify, 'infatuation' tu bukanlah real love...die mcm hanya tertarik??? lebey kurang mcm tu la..sbnrnye, instead of 'infatuation', nk tulis "cinta kerana syaitan"..eh# horror gile kan bunyi..jd, tak jadi guna..haha..

Ni cket je listnye..ade lagi smbungan tp ckuplah share yg ni je..yg len2 tambah sndri..hehe..btw, nk komen cket..."Ikhtilat yg tak dijaga" tu byak kupasan die..mungkin bley study lagi sape yg curious atau mungkin, bley tanye aku..huahuahua...mungkin juga bley tgok vid nih...

Lagi satu nk share, mungkin rase budaya couple tu seronok sbb byak hadiah dpat dan selalu org ckap ucpn kasih syg..hahaha...parents I pown tak bg hadiah byak mcm tu..jd, aku berazam nnt bile dh ade anak, aku nk amalkan budaya memberi hadiah dan ucapan kasih sayang...biar anak2 aku tak rase perlu kepada bnd2 tu daripada lelaki atau gadis ajnabi..inshaAllah..Parents aku mungkin tak buat sbb parents diorg tak buat..ye la, org dulu2 mane ade ckap "I Love You" kt anak2 ni..jadi, aku, bakal ibu muda abad ni akan try utk mengubah budaya ini..hahaha...inshaAllah...

Jadi, kesimpulannya...

"Indeed, we can't change the past we used to live in, but we have future ahead of us to write beautiful stories"

-quoted-

Dan bila kita sudah suka, amatlah penting utk kita analyze balek rasa suka tu dtgnye drpd mane so that rase suka tu tak melalaikan dan tak menjadi fitnah, inshaAllah...

Keep calm and trust Allah...InshaAllah...